I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
