Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
