I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
