woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
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