I wish I could punch you in the face.
I can tuck mytits in my pants
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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