The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
