yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
