Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize
