Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
