Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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