i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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