She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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