He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
