I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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