Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
