my vag is so smooth its legendary
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Vodka?
Forever.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
