I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
