once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
