I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
