never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
