No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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