Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
