the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
