I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
