If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
The adults are the big ones right?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
