I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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