For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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