He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
