I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
