good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
He keeps bees of course he's weird
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize