that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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