why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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