I hate your face
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
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