as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
