i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
