Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
