chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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