I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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