you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize