Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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