Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
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