Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
