I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
