i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
