I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
