Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
