I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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