I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
