If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
