Umm I'm too high to move.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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