so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
