Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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