just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
