Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
