Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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