Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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